DIVORCE AGREEMENT Since we are not going to get gasoline back to $1.50 per
gallon and coffee to $2.00 per pound maybe this would be a solution we
could live with.
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Dear American liberals, leftists, social progressives,
socialists, regressive, Marxists, and Obama supporters, et al:
We have stuck together since the late 1950s for the sake of
the kids, but the whole of this latest election process has made me realize that I want a divorce. I know we tolerated each other for many years for the sake of future generations, but sadly, this relationship has clearly run its course.
Our two ideological sides of America cannot and will not ever
agree on what is right for us all, so let's just end it on friendly terms.
We can smile and chalk it up to irreconcilable differences and go our own way.
Here is a model separation agreement:
1. Our two groups can equitably divide up the country by land
mass, each taking a similar portion. That will be the difficult part, but I am sure our two sides can come to a friendly agreement. After that, it should be relatively easy. Our respective representatives can effortlessly divide other assets since both sides had such distinct and disparate tastes.
2. We don't like redistributive taxes, so you can keep them.
3. You are welcome to the liberal judges and the ACLU.
4. Since you hate guns and war, we'll take our firearms, the
cops, the NRA, and the military.
5. We'll take the nasty, smelly oil industry and you can go
with wind, solar, and bio-diesel.
6. You can keep Oprah, Michael Moore, and Rosie O'Donnell. You
are, however, responsible for finding a bio-diesel vehicle big enough to
move all three of them.
7. We'll keep capitalism, greedy corporations, pharmaceutical
companies, Wal-Mart, and Wall Street.
8. You can have your beloved lifelong welfare dwellers, food
stamps, homeless homeboys, hippies, druggies, and illegal aliens.
9. We'll keep the hot Alaskan hockey moms, greedy CEO's and
10. We'll keep the Bibles and give you NBC and Hollywood .
11. You can make nice with Iran and Palestine and we'll retain
the right to invade and hammer places that threaten us.
12. You can have the peace-niks and war protesters. When our
allies or our way of life are under assault, we'll help provide them
13. We'll keep our Judeo-Christian values.
14. You are welcome to Islam, Scientology, Humanism, political
correctness, and Shirley McLain. You can also have the U.N., but we will
no longer be paying the bill.
15. We'll keep the SUV's, pickup trucks, and oversized luxury
cars. You can take every Subaru station wagon you can find.
16. You can give everyone healthcare if you can find any
17. We'll continue to believe healthcare is an earned luxury
and not a right.
18. We'll keep "The Battle Hymn of the Republic" and "The
19. I'm sure you'll be happy to substitute "Imagine", "I'd
Like to Teach the World to Sing", "Kum Ba Ya," or "We Are the World".
20. We'll practice trickledown economics and you can continue
to give trickle up poverty your best shot.
21. Since it often so offends you, we'll keep our history, our
name and our constitution and our flag.