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85-year-old Biker Bob was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, ‘Take this jar home an...d bring back a semen sample tomorrow. ’
The next day Bob reappeared at the doctor’s office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the old biker explained, 'Well you see, doc, it’s like this. “First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my old lady for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. 'We even called up Sally, the Gal next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin’ it between her knees, but still nothing.’ The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?'
Bob replied, 'Yep, none of us could get that jar open.’
 

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Did not see that coming! No pun intended
 

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A guy was watching the game, drinking a few beers and popping beer nuts into his mouth, when his wife began yelling at him. He turned his head toward her and accidentally popped a beer nut into his ear.
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Both him and his wife tried and tried but neither could get it out. All right she said, lets get you to the hospital.
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As they walked outside their daughter and her boyfriend walked up and she asked, where are you and dad going. The mother said, we're off to the hospital, your father has a beer nut caught in his ear.
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The boyfriend then asked, before you go can I try to dislodge it. The boyfriend then stuck two fingers up the fathers nose and told him to blow. The father blew and out popped the beer nut.
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The mother then asked the father, our daughters boyfriend is so intelligent, what do you think he'll be when he grows up. The father replied, by the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law.
 

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I met an older woman at a bar last night. She looked pretty good for a 60-year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter. We drank a couple of beers, and she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double? "What's that?" I asked. "It's a mother and daughter threesome," she said.

As my mind began to embrace the idea, and I wondered what her daughter might look like, I said, "No, I haven't." We drank a bit more, then she said with a wink, "Tonight's your lucky night". We went back to her place. We walked in. She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs, "Mum...you still awake?"
 

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Two women friends had gone for a girls' night out.*Both were very faithful and loving wives, however*
They had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi*Breezers.*

Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to*Pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.*

One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought*She would take off her panties and use them.*

Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive*Pair of panties and did not want to ruin them.*

She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave*That had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she*Proceeded to wipe with that.*

After the girls did their business, they proceeded to*Go home.*

The next day, the husband of one of the women was concerned*
That his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said:*
"These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!!"*

"That's nothing," said the other husband,*"Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that*said......*

'From all of us at the Fire Station.*We'll never forget you.' "
 

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A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house. She knocked on the door then immediately walked in.
She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.
"What are you doing?!" she asked.
"I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work," the daughter-in- law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"Mike loves me and wants me to wear this dress," she explained." It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me"
The mother-in-law left.
When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch, waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress," she whispered sensually.
"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?
He never heard the gunshot.
 

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A bus containing only ugly people crashes violently, and all of the unfortunate passengers die.
Finding themselves in Heaven, they see St Peter approaching them with the keys to the Pearly Gates. He announces, "Since all of you were died so horribly, and none of you sinned terribly, you are each granted one wish as you go into Heaven." The first person thinks for a second, and then decides, "I want to be gorgeous!" Seeing the person immediately become so, the second person wishes the same thing, and so on. After a while, the man in the back suddenly bursts out in laughter.
As St Peter nears the end of the line, the man's laughter becomes more hysterical and harder to control. When St Peter finally reached the end of the line, the man, now in tears, said, "Make 'em all ugly again."
 
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